you know, they say sometimes people play hard-to-get to find out if the other person’s feelings are real. well, who the hell are they? granted, they could be partially correct, but how about the reasons behind all that. how about the guy who broke her heart in more ways than one, or the girl that left him for his best friend. neither acts are entirely forgivable, there will always be a grudge, and there will always be a guard. each incident, regardless how large or small, lays another brick onto the wall, if you will. it’s easy enough to say get over it or move on, but the next time you feel that way again you cant help but take a step back and say am i ready for that heartache again? everyone has insecurities, and if you meet someone who says there’s not one thing that bothers them, they’re fucking liars. they may not all be the same, some big, some small, and some that take over our thought process more than others, but they’re still there.

     i’ll use myself as an example. when i’m single, i’m completely and utterly out of control. i go out, a lot. i work myself to the bone just to keep myself busy. it’s my way of keeping my mind off the shit spinning in my head.. i get this “don’t mess with me” attitude. more or less, i’m an absolute bitch, and a snob. it’s my facade. for starters, i care way too much about other people than i do myself, setting myself up for the pains and heartaches of anything to come. the easiest way for me to avoid being hurt, is to act as if i’m invincible. as if i couldn’t get any worse, when it comes to guys, i’m even more obnoxious. especially if/when feelings develop. it’s like when you’re a kid and you run up to the girl you like and punch her in the arm, sending her in from recess crying.. yes, i still do that. only i’m the one doing the metaphorical punching. actually, this one time, i actually kicked a kid in the balls.. sorry :\ he was my boyfriend at the time too.. that was in middle school, though. i’ve graduated to beatings of the emotional sense. sometimes i feel like if they can’t take the bitch me, who the hell are they to deserve me in the literal sense. i’m not easy in the least bit.

     now, if you’re able to deal with the trials and tribulations through that phase, i’ll start to let down my defenses. the simplest way to know i’ve reached that point.. i start apologizing for things. prior to now, i’d just act like i didn’t give a shit. but now i apologize for everything. when i feel like i’m literally “seeing” someone, i avoid confrontations. i question things a lot. if all i want is to enjoy my time with someone, i do not want to spend it fighting at any cost. where’s the fun in that? however. i will not allow anyone to make me into someone i am not. and i will stand up for myself when there is something to stand for. and if i am not wrong, i will stand my ground. if my strength and willingness to be a good person isn’t enough, than i’m not enough so kick rocks.

     but i’ve noticed this day and age, girls rarely do that. stand their ground. they’re made to feel like they’re not good enough. well, know this. you ARE good enough. you just need to find someone who’s good enough for YOU. we’ve all been there. and at this point in our lives we’ve all got baggage. it’s just a matter of where you pick it up and put it down. there’s no sense in bringing problems from a past relationship into a new one, however, in order to break through your insecurities you need to feel secure. with yourself and the person you’re seeing. now i’m not perfect, and i sure as hell haven’t worked through all my shit, or i wouldn’t absolutely shit on every dude who gave me the time of day. however, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. don’t lose yourself. find yourself. embrace yourself. love yourself. sooner or later someone will come along and do the same, so you wont have to be strong for yourself anymore.

“i ain’t as good as i’m gonna get, but i’m better than i used to be.”

and when youre in a situation where you’re one and the one you’re with is the other.. it never ends well.

Sometimes it’s not all black and white. And sometimes.. well, okay, the majority of the time, we have trouble deciphering between right and wrong. By right and wrong i don’t necessarily mean good and bad, but what will help you achieve excellence as opposed to what will cause you pain and to struggle. I’ve always been told to keep making the right choices and to do what makes me happy. But what if that’s hazy now? What if what makes me happy also confuses me, causing my mind and heart to struggle to know the difference between right and wrong. What I know in my mind and in my heart are two completely different things. My mind is filled with things heard, said, seen, ect. It’s filled with experiences and memories. Memories of heartache, sadness, emptiness.. by the heart.. “the heart is treacherous”. It cares, no matter what it’s been put through. It influences these battles between right and wrong. Your mind causes you to second guess and to analyze things while your heart just wants one thing, to be fulfilled. I’ve been fighting this battle for far too long.

The only difference in the battle this time around.. I’ve grown. I’ve gained knowledge I didn’t have before. I have patience, and understanding.. granted, yes, I have a buttload of anxiety, but who doesn’t in certain situations. But most of all, I have love. As much as I don’t want to admit it, it’s there. And I can’t fight it. It’s going to keep pulling me back in. With that being said, does that make it right? Because It wont go away? “when pushed, love digs in it’s heels” If not, then what does it mean, what does any of it mean? Now it just becomes a waiting game. Will the heart overcome the mind? Will we continue to allow those around us to influence us and sway our decisions or grab hold of the reigns, say fuck that noise, and just do what makes us happy?

Sometimes I wish the world would just follow suit and everything would just be so much simpler. I choose happiness, and I will always choose happiness. If you threaten that happiness, you will be disposed of. I’ll always do what’s right and what makes me happy. I guess it’s just a part of growing up, realizing where you take a stand in life. Are you going to make yourself happy or are you going to continue to follow the words of others and hope they’re right, leading you to some sort of happiness in the long run. Lead. Never follow. No one’s lives are the same, No one’s experiences are the same and No one’s love is the same. They may have similarities or there may be similar experiences.. but they’re not the same. And they sure as hell won’t all have the same outcome. That’s up to you.